JOKES THREAD!

Let me start.........
I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me.

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod. <!-- s:lol: --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_lol.gif" alt="" title="Laughing" /><!-- s:lol: -->

two irishmen coming home from the pub,paddy finds a mirror in the gutter,looks into it crys out,i know that man, shamus grabs the mirror looks into it, cause you do you idiot its me

Heres a shocker i heard other day <!-- s:lol: --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_lol.gif" alt="" title="Laughing" /><!-- s:lol: --> <!-- s:!: --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_exclaim.gif" alt="" title="Exclamation" /><!-- s:!: -->
I just had to chuck my flat mate Calvin out,,,

he kept breaking the washing machine

Washing machines live longer with Cal gone

Got beaten up in an alley way last night by 3 men, i knocked one out then realised it was not a good time to have a w*** <!-- s:lol: --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_lol.gif" alt="" title="Laughing" /><!-- s:lol: --> <!-- s:lol: --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_lol.gif" alt="" title="Laughing" /><!-- s:lol: -->

my my wife is that cross eyed, i'm sure she's seeing somebody else

Just been text this after Liverpools poor performance again yesterday....

Roy Hodgson just spotted driving out of Anfield doing around 140mph the
wrong way up the street with a can of beer in one hand, a spliff in the
other and beeping his horn... He
will do anything to get three points. <!-- s:lol: --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_lol.gif" alt="" title="Laughing" /><!-- s:lol: -->

Got a new aftershave today, smells of bread cumbs, the birds love it!

Santa says to his elf &quot; im getting really annoyed with this. Every year i put this stupid red outfit on, do all the work and end up with nothing at all.&quot;

The elf replies &quot;now you know how Cesc Fabregas feels.&quot;
<!-- s:lol: --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_lol.gif" alt="" title="Laughing" /><!-- s:lol: --> <!-- s:lol: --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_lol.gif" alt="" title="Laughing" /><!-- s:lol: --> <!-- s:lol: --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_lol.gif" alt="" title="Laughing" /><!-- s:lol: --> <!-- s:lol: --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_lol.gif" alt="" title="Laughing" /><!-- s:lol: --> <!-- s:lol: --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_lol.gif" alt="" title="Laughing" /><!-- s:lol: --> <!-- s:lol: --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_lol.gif" alt="" title="Laughing" /><!-- s:lol: -->

news from the rac, don't travel without extra clothing,blanket ,flask, and a shovel, looked bxxxdy stupid on the bus

I went on Dragons Den the other night and showed them my Dads old shot gun.

Peter Jones said &quot;And whats your idea ? &quot; Its a simple concept Peter, just put the money in the f*****g bag !!!!!!!! <!-- s:lol: --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_lol.gif" alt="" title="Laughing" /><!-- s:lol: -->